Third Day

Today was a better day, since we couldn't talk much because it's Monday. I hate Mondays. I can't stand going to university. Bedtime is the worst. I just can't get used to waking up early, taking buses to get to university, listening to those boring or very difficult classes, standing everybody there. But this blog isn't to talk about those things.

I don't have much to say about what happening during the day since we talked very little. We didn't fight. I missed him and I was happy for getting his messages.

At night, when we talked, everything began very good. We're happy, making jokes and laughing. But at the end, I remembered a video he had on his computer with his ex girlfriend. It was a very sweet video, showing the love of the couple and, in the end, they kissed. It was very hurtful watching that video. I brought it up and after talking without being angry, he told me he deleted the pictures of them together, but not found the videos.

It was a very easy night. I didn't sleep upset with him and neither he did with me.

I don't think he's gonna add me on facebook anytime soon.

Second Day

I woke up to read the message that he wanted to marry me, someday, which made me very sad and I kind of showed that to him, but I stopped to think for some minutes and decided to tell him I didn't mean to look sad, I was just busy. And he believed that or pretended he did. We quarreled about his manners and again I controlled myself to seems like I wasn't mad. The only moment we talked in the morning made me very sad and I had to hide my feelings. I have to lie to him to pretend I'm happy so we don't fight. This doesn't make me happy.

I wasn't very productive today because I know I had to study and anything else I do would be a waste of time and guess what? I wasted my whole Sunday.

We didn't talk much in the afternoon, because I didn't want to fight with him so I just ignored his messages, but I didn't let him know.

He read my blog and became monosyllabic again, and that is the thing I hate the most. Makes me so mad and I told him many times how I hate when he is monosyllabic but I guess he just doesn't care or he forgets everything I say or it's just not important enough to be remembered.

Now it's just awkward because we are just pretend everything is great. I don't think this relationship will last a month, but I promised a month so that is what's gonna be. It was a terrible night of talking to him. He was pretending to be nice and it would be wrong to be mad at him since he was supposedly trying to be good. It makes me so angry when he tries to be nice even though I know he doesn't want to. Sometimes I think he just pretend those things so he can show he's better than me.

This night ended up being very sad and awkward, but it was for both of us, not just for me. Actually, it ended up being a disaster. We fought again. He was rude with me and I was rude with him. I don't know why I feel jealous of him. Jealousy is one of my biggest defects. I have to stop it so that I can improve myself.
I think sometimes he lies to me to avoid long discussions or fights. I don't think he has the courage to leave me and go to the pursuit of happiness.

He asked me about whatsapp and facebook and I told him that he said that if I deleted him from facebook, I shouldn't add him back again and he asked: "What about whatsapp?" And I asked him if he wanted me to add him back and he answered of course. So, in the end, we won't be facebook friends anymore.
It's just a matter of time now.

First Day

His family is there, so neither in the morning nor in the afternoon he gave me attention. I understand it, since he can't be texting all the time with his family around. So I did many productive things: I started this journal, cleaned up my desk, exercised which was great and practiced yoga which made me really less stressed and I loved it. I had a good day. Then, in the evening, he talked to me again and a lot. I was so happy for his attitude that I even forgot I wanted to break up, but as usual he disappointed me. He went out, drank, and who know what else he did. He said he was back home at 2:10 am but I'm not sure because I was sleeping already and I couldn't see if he was telling the truth.

Because of one conversation we were having, he told me he says to his friends that he wants to marry me, someday. Not nowadays, but someday. That made me sad!

I mean, I was so happy because we talked a lot that day in the evening and I began to be excited about us together again, but it was all a sweet illusion.

At the end of the day, I slept disappointed and sad because of him again. The only difference from before to now is that he doesn't know that.
It's been a day and he still didn't realize we're not friends on facebook and I'm not receiving his messages on whatsapp.

How to know it's over

In certain relationships there is a moment that you know it's not gonna work anymore. You've tried so many things to make it better and the relationship doesn't change, or changes for worse. And you can't break up because it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. But is it really not the right thing to do? Or are you just like that woman who can't get out of an unhealthy relationship? You think if he is mistreating you it's your fault because you're not a good girlfriend. Perhaps you might be like that woman which her husbands beat her up and she always forgive him because she thinks she is the problem and he had a reason to do whatever, no matter how bad was it.

I'm not saying this is the case with me. I'm just illustrating the scenario. If I'm in an unhealthy relationship, that causes me more damage than benefit, the most logical thing to do would be breaking up.

I don't wanna be a self destructive person, who can't stand being alone and is unhappy.

That's gonna be my last shot and it's official since I'm registering it here. I'm gonna change for a month and see if the reason for this relationship be so bad as it is now is mostly mine as he says.

I'll hide my displeasure for all the insensitive attitudes he has. I'll pretend he doesn't hurt me everytime he forgets me or he doesn't choose me over anything else. I'll be the most perfect girlfriend and I'll see if it'll make him change or if he'll still make me suffer.

If he doesn't change, then it's gonna be over.

I'll make this blog my journal to evaluate each day.

Good luck for me!

Quando crescemos

Quando somos crianças, tudo parece tão mágico. A comida aparece magicamente pronta para comermos, os presentes aparecem magicamente do papai noel ou da fada dos dentes. A melhor parte são os amigos. Uma criança tem uma quantidade tão maior que os adultos de amigos verdadeiros, amigos que falam a verdade um para o outro, que querem o melhor um para o outro, que ficam felizes pela conquista do outro sem inveja.

Daí crescemos e os amigos ficam diferentes, ou talvez somos nós quem mudamos. Nos distanciamos e ficamos sozinhos. Então encontramos alguém para formar uma família. Mas e os amigos de verdade?

Sinto tanta falta de poder falar no telefone por horas com minhas amigas sobre nada e sobre tudo, sobre meninos, sobre filmes, sobre desenhos. Ou dormir na casa delas e ficar conversando durante horas até os pais baterem na porta e falar para dormimos. Sinto falta dos meus amigos. Talvez quando crescemos,  surgem mais responsabilidades que nos impedem de gastar o tempo assim.

Todas as dúvidas, medos, confissões, tristezas, alegrias, tanto sentimento para ficar aqui dentro, sem poder compartilhar. Era tudo tão mais fácil quando tinha amigos por perto. Agora estou só aqui.

Ao menos a solidão me faz ser mais produtiva.